Attention All Loved Ones of Addicts: Let’s Come out of the Shame Closet and Recover!

SEPTEMBER IS RECOVERY MONTH

Do you know that September is Recovery Month? I think it’s amazing that a whole month has been set aside as a time to honor recovery from addiction—this shows that the times definitely are a-changin’ and that a great many more people are getting the message that recovery truly is possible.

This is great for those who are struggling with addictive behaviors—from alcohol and drugs to gambling, to compulsive over-spending, to sex addiction, to Internet addiction, to eating disorders—and everything in between. I’m so happy that the stigma associated with addiction is being lifted in this way and we’re finally talking about it!

But—what about the loved ones of those who are addicted? These people suffer and struggle right alongside the addicts in their lives. They live in fear 24/7, with frustration, resentment, and confusion. They practice their own addictive behaviors too, such as codependency and people-pleasing, often with a severe lack of personal boundaries.

Are we talking about them yet?

Are they talking to each other?

FINDING YOUR WAY OUT OF SHAME

I am an Addictions Therapist in private practice in Vancouver, BC, specializing primarily in helping people who are caught in this struggle with addicted loved ones. Although there have recently been a few more resources popping up for them, there is still unfortunately very little help out there for those who are faced with this situation.

For several years, I’ve been hosting a Facebook page called Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself. A few weeks ago, in a newsletter I sent out, I suggested to the loved ones on my list to come visit my page and ‘like’ it—at that time, there were relatively few people there and only about 450 likes. But now, as of this writing, there are nearly 2000 likes and counting. A true community is developing there—it’s become a place where we can gather and support each other with compassion, understanding, and patience. We no longer have to feel so isolated, alone, and misunderstood.

It’s definitely time for those of us who are loved ones of addicts to come out of the shame closet we’ve been stuck in for such a long time—shame that results from believing that we have somehow caused our addict’s addiction and are responsible for making it stop.

That is simply not true—and I’m on a mission to help loved ones understand this.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ADDICTION—AND CHOICE

The real truth is that the addicts in our lives are making their own choices. Now, I’m not saying that people choose to become addicted—I don’t believe for a moment that anyone consciously makes that decision. I certainly didn’t, when I was in the initial throes of it myself. In fact, most people who do become addicted—to whatever their addictive behavior of choice is—believe that this will never happen to them. The other guy will get hooked, but not them! In their denial, they firmly believe they can handle the great harm they’re causing themselves. In the addiction field, we call this “terminal uniqueness”—when addicts believe that they’re so special and unique that it could actually kill them.

The irony about addiction is that it begins as a form of self-care: people just want to feel better. Unfortunately, addiction is a twisted form of self-care that only ends up hurting everyone it touches.

And the truth is that there is always another way to deal with a problematic situation or emotion.

Today, what I know to be true is that remaining in active addiction is indeed a choice. Whether or not addiction is seen as a disease, whether there is a genetic predisposition or it’s a learned behavior from our families of origin, and even though there is definitely brain involvement in addiction—underneath all of that, continuing to use an addictive behavior is ultimately a decision addicts make—and the loved ones are NOT responsible for that choice.

Today, what I know to be true is that we are all powerless over other people—we simply can’t and don’t make anyone else’s decisions for them. If we were able to do that, there would likely be a lot less addicts in the world! But because it’s not possible for us to make any addict stop using, choosing active recovery instead is entirely up to the addict.

WHAT CAN LOVED ONES DO DIFFERENTLY?

Despite all the funding cuts in the social services arena these days, there are still a multitude of services and resources available to help addicts who are ready to change their lives. There are detoxes, residential treatment centers, day treatment programs, recovery homes, mental health centers that also deal with addiction (dual diagnosis), 12-Step groups for nearly any addiction you can imagine—as well as many viable alternatives for those who don’t wish to follow those steps. The truth is that there is no excuse anymore for any person to stay entrenched in addiction.

No such luck for the loved ones of those addicts, however. The services for them are few and far between, so a great many friends and family members continue to do the wrong things when trying to help—simply because no one has ever suggested there might be another way.

And the good news is that there is another way.

In order to change what they can (themselves), loved ones need to understand that even though they did not cause the addiction, they have most likely contributed to it by enabling the addict in some way. Most of you know that you’ve done things you shouldn’t have done—such as giving money to the addict you love, or allowing him/her to live in your home rent-free with no consequences for negative behaviors. If you’ve been doing anything like that, please understand that this is not a loving act toward your addict, and it is definitely not self-respectful toward yourself. Please consider changing these actions into much healthier helping behaviors—ones that often halt addiction right in its tracks.

NO MORE SHAME!

Your job as the loved one of an addict is to practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and to do the inner work it takes to more deeply understand why you’ve been enabling in the first place. Your work is to love your addict enough to do the next right thing, over and over again, so that the addiction can actually stop.

You must not take on responsibility that isn’t yours. Stop believing that you’ve somehow caused the addiction or that you can somehow force the addict to quit if you just try hard enough. Stop believing that you are somehow defective because someone you love is making negative choices—and stop living in shame because of it.

Remember that September is Recovery Month…

Let’s hear each other’s feelings and stories. Let’s continue to come together in places like my Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself Facebook page. Let’s learn how to transform our own lives—which is what we can and do control—and start feeling deep and healthy pride for the positive changes we’re choosing to make in ourselves.

Let’s continue to come out of that closet of shame and live our own best lives. The ripple effect may well be that as the addict you love sees you role model this new behavior, they will also choose to make healthier, positive changes in their own lives.

Robin Williams, Dead at 63: Words No One Ever Wanted to Hear

“Robin Williams: Dead, Apparent Suicide”   

How could this happen? We are asking ourselves this question today as we shake our heads in disbelief. Robin Williams, the uproariously funny comedian, dead? Apparent suicide?

How can this be??

Yes, we all knew he had problems with addiction—he’d bravely allowed that to be common knowledge, probably in the hope that his struggle could also help others. He carried the message in the true spirit of one who was walking the walk of addiction recovery, and I greatly respect him for that.

Some of us knew that he also struggled with a chemical imbalance in his brain and with the often severe depression resulting from that. When addiction and depression go hand in hand, as it unfortunately did for him, it can take a tremendous amount of courage just to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis.

I do think Robin was a tremendously courageous man, for as long as he could be.

THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS

Why is mental illness such a stigmatized condition? As an Addictions Therapist, I have never understood that. The way I see it, mental illness is exactly the same as physical illness—it is, in fact, physical illness just like any affliction having to do with the body. My Crohn’s Disease is the same as chemical depression—it’s just in a different part of the body. But the shame that continues to accompany illnesses of the brain is, in my opinion, both preposterous and unnecessary—and it often prevents those afflicted with it from seeking and receiving the help they so desperately need.

That shame may have been, in large part, what ultimately killed Robin Williams.

Dual diagnosis, co-occurring disorders, co-morbidity—these are but a few of the various names given to the condition where substance addiction and mental health intersect. Perhaps this dreaded stigma exists because many, if not most, of the people who are homeless and on our streets are dealing with that intersection of conditions. Robin understood this, as is shown by his tireless work for Comic Relief, along with his terrifically funny cohorts Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg. In my opinion, we should be ashamed of ourselves as a society to not be offering more help to those who are downtrodden because of this situation.

And at the same time, many of our funniest and most talented entertainers are also afflicted by this same disorder. Most of us understand that the best comedy comes from pain—and unfortunately, Robin Williams personified this to the hilt. Aside from being an amazingly compassionate human being, he was also hilarious, wacky, and cutting-edge. At times he teased us by perhaps intentionally making us uncomfortable with his non-stop antics and with his raw, raving political commentary. There was never any doubt that he was a genius when it came to transforming his emotional pain into both brilliant comedy and deeply compelling dramatic performances. He was at his best when he made us laugh—and when he made us cry.

What we know now is that he himself was laughing and also crying—and I’m so very sad to know he’s gone.

ROBIN3REMEMBERING ROBIN

My profound hope is that Robin’s death will not be in vain. I deeply hope that what happened to him will shine an enormous spotlight on the ridiculous stigmas of both addiction and mental health—especially when combined—as well as the lack of services we have to combat and treat these issues. Whether he killed himself or not (the jury still seems to be out on that, as of this writing), I believe that Robin’s death could have been prevented. Hopefully many other deaths can now be prevented as well, if we’ll just collectively get our heads out of the sand and accept that mental illness is not the appalling, terrifying issue that we, as a society, so treacherously scorn and fear.

Let’s honor Robin Williams’ life—both his deep struggles and his amazing triumphs. He was a courageous man, and he will surely be missed.

Rest in Peace, dearest Mork.

“I Know I’m Enabling But….” Recovery from Addiction in the Family

After working for nearly 25 years with the loved ones of people struggling with addiction, I’m still amazed by how many come to their first session with me and say “I know I’m enabling, but…”

Do you have an addicted loved one in your life? Are you already aware that you’re doing things you probably shouldn’t be doing, in the guise of ‘helping’ them?

And even if you’re not getting the results you’re hoping for, do you still continue to enable them anyway—often for way too long?

A logical question to ask yourself in a situation like this would be:

“Why am I doing this?”

The reality is that there are, in fact, a few answers to that question. The first reason may be that no one has ever told you what you could be doing instead. As a loved one, know that what you’re doing isn’t working; in fact, in most cases, the problems continue and just get worse over time. But if you don’t have a clue about what actually can work in these situations, you may be feeling very frustrated, helpless—and quite stuck.

WHAT IS “ENABLING”?

A simple definition of an enabling behavior is one that will keep the addiction going. Here are a few examples:

* Each month, Randy gives money to his addicted sister because he fears that she won’t be able to buy food if he doesn’t—even though he knows that she spends the money he gives her on drugs. He’s even been known to drive her to the dealer to pick up her drugs. He tells himself, “At least I know that she’s safe here with me.”

* Julia pays her boyfriend’s rent when he’s lost all of his paycheck gambling at the casino. Sometimes that means she’s short of money herself when trying to take care of her own bills and other expenses—and she rarely receives a ‘thank you’ for her efforts. But she is stuck in fantasy thinking when she tells herself, “If I just love him enough, he’ll change.”

* At 35, Tess’s parents still allow her to live in the family home due to her longtime crack addiction and apparent inability to hold a job. They don’t set clear and appropriate boundaries about what is expected of her, so she brings sketchy people and illegal drugs into their home. Tess is often high while there, and she doesn’t contribute in any positive way, at times becoming quite abusive with her parents both verbally and physically. Her parents don’t feel they can ask her to leave—“What if we kick her out and she’s on the street?”

When this kind of enabling occurs on a regular basis, the loved ones lose their own sense of self-respect and the addict has no reason to do anything differently. The dysfunctional, addictive behaviors continue—because the most effective way to stop addiction is to stop the enabling that so often accompanies it.

ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY?

Often, a major reason that loved ones of addicts use enabling behaviors is that they feel guilty about the addiction in the first place. If you’re like many loved ones, you may mistakenly think that you’re somehow responsible for the addict you love.

But you did NOT cause the addiction to happen. You may be contributing to it continuing, but you didn’t cause it. Even though no one chooses to become an addict (in fact, most addicts believe they’re ‘special’ and can handle addictive substances and behaviors without becoming addicted), there always comes a time when addicts know there’s something wrong and that they’re in trouble. It is at this point that they have a choice—to either remain in active addiction or to begin some type of active recovery.

Think about it this way—if addicts didn’t have this choice, then no one would be recovering. Millions of people are in recovery from addiction because they made the choice to stop hiding from reality by using a self-sabotaging behavior. As the loved one of an addict, you are NOT responsible for the choices the addict is making. If you feel you are contributing, then it’s your responsibility to change what you’re doing. And once you do that, you’ll feel far less guilt and a lot more self-respect.

Remember: You can’t change another person, but you can change yourself. It takes courage for you to look within and to do whatever you can to contribute to healthier ways of being the loved one of someone with an addiction.

ARE YOU SCARED OF CONFLICT?

Another reason that family and friends of addicts enable them has to do with codependency and people-pleasing, which I see as one and the same. If you are codependent, then you’re putting others’ needs ahead of your own on a fairly consistent basis. You may have convinced yourself that you’re doing this because you’re a ‘nice’ person—and please understand, I’m not suggesting you aren’t nice. But the truth is that you may have an ulterior motive for acting this way.

Let me explain…

The real reason codependent people say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’—squashing down their own needs in the process—is usually because they are terrified of conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it, even when it means they lose their own self-respect in the process. Your need to people-please will have its roots in making sure there are no fights or disagreements—and this is because you’ve never really learned how to deal with other people’s anger or frustration or disappointment, especially when those are directed at you!

When codependents consistently do this, it can become an addictive behavior for them—and if you’re giving in to the addict you so dearly love and not setting effective boundaries, you are actually meeting your own needs, not theirs. An addict does NOT need to be allowed to get away with dangerous and disrespectful behavior. What an addict truly needs is firm, healthy boundaries with appropriate, self-respecting consequences attached to them.

And when you finally learn how to handle someone else feeling angry or disappointed with you, you will become emotionally free—which is a much healthier way to live!

DARE TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

In reality, addicts need their loved ones to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to remain in their active addiction. If you have an addict in your life, this is actually the most loving thing you can do for them, because it holds them to a higher standard and encourages them to take responsibility for themselves. The more we inappropriately behave as caretakers for people who can—and should—be taking care of themselves, the less belief they’ll have in their own resiliency and capabilities. The addiction will go on and on, usually just becoming more entrenched over time because addiction is a progressive condition that needs to be halted. In other words, if you love an addict, you need to stop enabling their unhealthy life choices in order to see any meaningful change happen.

And if your addict is abusing mind-altering substances, you need to do this before he or she dies out there.

Of course, the problem is that when you, as a codependent people-pleaser, start setting boundaries and making things uncomfortable for the addict you love, you yourself will become extremely uncomfortable too. We use addictive behaviors of any kind to feel better, to remain comfortable. But as the saying goes, life begins at the end of our comfort zones and, as a loved one, you’ll need to be the change you want to see in this situation.

You’ll need to love your addict enough to say, ”I care about you so much that I’m not willing to support you in your active addiction anymore. I love you so much that it’s tearing me apart to watch you continue to hurt yourself like this—so if you really need to keep doing that, you’ll have to do it somewhere else. When you’re ready to be in some sort of active recovery, I’ll be happy to support you in that.”

Not only is this a loving act toward the addict in your life, it is also the most self-respectful stance you can take, because you will no longer allow yourself to be treated abusively.

Letting our addicted loved ones know that we care enough to want a healthier relationship with them is often enough for them to understand that we’re not trying to punish them by assertively maintaining our boundaries. It’s acceptable and appropriate for us to raise the bar and require more of them—just as we’re requiring more of ourselves.

That is definitely the best way to love the addict in your life.

If you’ve been enabling an addict—and I know that many of you are aware that you have been—please strongly consider changing some of your own dysfunctional behaviors so that you’re actually helping instead. The pay-offs of making that change could be amazing!

And remember: If not now, when?

 

12-Year-Olds Stabbing 12-Year-Olds: Are We Paying Attention Yet?

I read about this story early yesterday morning. And I thought about it often throughout the day, just shaking my head.

I seem to be doing that a lot lately—and I don’t like it.

But I have to admit, it took me a while before sitting down to write about this because I kept thinking to myself, “Should I write another piece that deals with the hideous violence we keep experiencing and hearing about day after day? What difference will it make if I do?”

Now, the last thing I want is to become jaded—as a therapist, I often hear stories from clients about what has happened to them, about the post-traumatic stress they deal with on a daily basis—and there are times when it makes my hair stand on end as I witness the viciousness they have endured in their lives. Sometimes that cruelty has come from their parents, sometimes from others who have been in positions of trust, sometimes from cyber-bullying that fuels their already shameful feelings about themselves. Life has not been easy for so many of us—and this is just our reality, I suppose. I do often wonder whether it really has to be this way, and how it can change. Sometimes I wonder if anything I do really helps anyone I’m trying to help. When I do see that I can contribute to the world in positive ways—that people feel even a little better after talking with me—I feel glad and grateful.

And then I read a story like this one, about two 12-year-old girls who—with deliberate premeditation—decided to repeatedly stab another 12-year-old girl they knew, with the intention of killing her.

And truly, I don’t know what to think—or even how to express my feelings about it.

Apparently, these girls were heavily influenced by a website they were into—one that I don’t even want to name here, just like I don’t want to keep naming the other killers who have betrayed us as a society in recent years, months, weeks, and days. This information is available if you want to Google it yourself—it’s not something I wish to perpetuate.

But I will say this—there is something really sick and twisted about the people who put up websites like this, and something very neglectful about parents who don’t take the time to know where their 12-year-old children are spending their time, both online and off. And yes, there are likely some mental health issues with these two girls—or maybe they are just by-products of a society that has become so full of these kinds of lurid influences that our children can so easily get their hands on.

Two 12-year-old girls wanted to kill another 12-year-old girl! Are we no longer shocked by this?

Will it just be that girl’s parents who will try—probably in vain like all the other parents whose children have been wounded and murdered—to get something done about this, to try to change something, somehow, so that no other children have to experience the misery their daughter is now going through?

I’m thankful that this girl didn’t die, but instead lived to name her attackers so that they could be brought to justice. But where is the real justice for the culture that enables these kids and contributes to them turning out like this? And even though the victim lived to tell about it—this time—I can’t even imagine what her life will be like going forward from something like this. I deeply hope she can get the ongoing help she will undoubtedly need, probably for a long time, to be able to recover from this both physically and emotionally, as fully as she possibly can.

I for one am totally enraged and sick of this ongoing violence. I wish I had answers for us about what to do about it. Maybe we need to revisit ‘freedom of expression’ on the Internet—but if I start talking about that, will I be the lone voice in the throngs of millions who will pooh-pooh what’s happened here as just a fluke, something that doesn’t happen very often?

But really, think about it. Isn’t one time too often?

It could have just as easily been your 12-year-old—daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, neighbor, student. I wonder what violent travesty we’ll be hearing about next.

Aren’t you as scared and sick of it as I am?

Yet Another Shooting Spree: Will This Madness EVER End?

I saw the news today—oh boy…

We are all shocked and outraged by Elliot Rodger’s shooting spree in Isla Vista, California—with 3 legally purchased handguns and over 400 rounds of ammunition. I can understand us being outraged—but shocked? Really??

Richard Martinez-May 26 blogTwo reasons we’re hearing so much about this shooting are: 1) the assailant’s father is the assistant director of the Hunger Games movies—unfortunately, a little celebrity seems to go a long way—and 2) the 22-year-old perpetrator was already known to have some pretty disturbing mental health issues and was well-known to police. But there he was, with legal guns and plenty of ammo. We are also being shown footage of the very irate and distraught Richard Martinez father of Chris, a boy slain by Rodger, loudly imploring, “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO END THIS MADNESS??”

I’d like an answer to that too.

How long will it take before we all truly, deeply understand that because of lax gun laws all over our planet, this could happen without any warning to anyone at any time—the next time, when we least expect it, could be you or me or someone we love. Why is it only the parents and other loved ones of those killed by this creepy ongoing asinine insanity who are coming forth and asking the right questions?

How many more times DOES this have to happen? Why do we not understand that the politicians we elect, whose often outrageous salaries WE pay for, need to be responsible for holding the bad guys accountable. And that maybe the ‘bad guys’ are not only the ones who shoot, maim, and kill innocent people, but are also the ones who refuse to stop playing political nicey-nice with organizations like the US’s NRA.

Sometimes I feel like we’re living in the Wild West all over again, all over the world. Shootings and stabbings happen all too often where I live in Vancouver, as well as other parts of Canada, too. Shortly after I heard about Rodger’s coldly premeditated murder spree on the news again tonight, I saw a commercial featuring a small child at a music recital playing the violin off-key while proud parents looked on. I started to wonder what could happen at such a gathering if someone had a gun and just simply didn’t like the way the child was playing. It boggles the mind.

Some of you might say, “Oh come on, Candace, don’t be ridiculous—that would never happen!” But who ever thought Sandy Hook would happen? Who ever thought a crazy man dressed as the Joker would open fire at a movie theatre? Or that a University of Calgary student would stab 5 other students to death, just… because… ?

Memorial-May 26 blogSo—is it really going to take someone we love being stabbed or shot, injured or killed before we truly take this seriously? Is this how we really want to live?

Can we stop wringing our hands long enough to actually develop some workable strategies about what we can collectively do about this? Or do we all just passively hope and pray that today isn’t our day to die—or to find out that someone we love just has? How much more societal enabling do we have to put up with before we figure out a way to come together and stop the insanity?