Psyched
with Candace Plattor, Addiction Specialist

I love butterflies.

For me, aside from their incredible beauty, they signify the extraordinary growth that all living things – including us humans – are able to achieve when we make that choice.

Think about it: a butterfly starts out as a cumbersome caterpillar, crawling slowly along the ground, being stepped on, squashed down, dissected in biology classes, and then discarded when the abuse is over. It is easy to discount the lowly caterpillar.

But caterpillars have an uncanny sense of intuition – at some point, they know that if they don’t change, they will die. They somehow instinctively know that if they stay in their self-made cocoons for too long, they will perish; but if they try to come out too soon, they will not be strong enough to succeed as a fragile butterfly. Our gentle caterpillars seem to know exactly what to do to preserve their self-care and become the very best they can possibly be – beautiful butterflies – spreading their wings wide and flying in whatever direction they please, giving joy and awe to those who behold them.

How can we not learn a lot from them?

My own butterfly moment

When I reached the bottom with my addiction to pot and prescription drugs 25 years ago, I had the same feelings. I realized that I had to change my life or I would die – either by my own hand or inadvertently from an accidental overdose. I knew that I didn’t really want to die, but that I couldn’t go on living the way I was at that point. In hindsight, I had grown quite tired of being a caterpillar, though I had no idea then that I could someday become a butterfly.

My journey of recovery from addiction truly began when I allowed my instincts to take over – when I allowed myself to be ready to reach out for help. I remember how difficult that was for me, and I also remember how amazing the people were who cared enough to assist me. They must have sensed how ready I was to come out of my own self-imposed prison and try something new.

For me, this process has taken years of choosing to remain abstinent from all mind-altering substances, as well as the commitment to doing my inner work so I could finally understand what my addiction was really about. Some days, life felt very bleak and it definitely seemed easier to give up and give in. But somehow that didn’t seem to be an option for me, at least it was not the one I chose. I so deeply wanted a different life – and I was willing to do whatever was necessary in order to get it.

Our recovery can help others

It is exactly because I have experienced crushing defeat in my life, and have humbled myself enough to reach out for the help I needed, that I know how scary it can be for my clients to make that first phone call or send that first email to me. I often hear that they chose to contact me because of how authentically I present myself on my website – they know that I know – and that matters to them. When they walk through the door of my office – that first time or any other time – I understand the courage it takes for them to be emotionally vulnerable with me in the session. I respect that courage and often validate them for it.

When I work with clients today in my private practice, I sometimes speak from the benefit of my experience with both addiction and recovery – and they listen because they know that I can understand their pain. What I know today is that even when the details of our stories are different, the feelings are the same – the shame, the remorse, the despair, the hopelessness – and what they most need is someone to tell them that recovery really is possible. And, of course, I know it is because I’ve done it myself and I continue to do it, one day at a time.

If anyone had told me 25 years ago that I would be able to use my ‘caterpillar pain’ to help someone else become a butterfly, I would have thought they were crazy. But it’s kind of like living with a baby or a puppy – we don’t notice their growth because we see them every day. It’s not until someone else comes along and says, “Wow, they’ve gotten so big!” that we realize how much growth has actually transpired.

My gratitude speaks…

I didn’t know I had become a butterfly until a lot later, when other people started to notice my changes. I’m thankful they were able to do that for me because now I can act as a mirror for my clients in the same way, always striving to find something they have done that week to validate, encouraging them to keep going on their sacred journeys.

Today I am very grateful – in 20/20 hindsight – for the incredibly painful struggles I’ve gone through – with both addiction and with the chronic illness of Crohn’s Disease. I believe that my hardships and my ability to withstand and overcome them against all odds is precisely what has given me the empathy, compassion, and patience to be there 100% with my clients. Life is not without problems for me today and, being imperfectly human, there are still some days when I go through growth periods that make my hair stand on end. But as long as I keep doing my inner work at those times, I know I will continue to be emotionally strong.

I don’t claim to know anyone else’s spiritual journey or why people need to go through whatever they are experiencing, so I don’t try to tell others what I think they ‘should’ do – even when they ask me! But because we are all so much more similar than we are different, I believe in everyone’s power to heal and grow in their own ways, should they choose that path. If they do choose that and come to me for assistance, then my commitment to them is to help in whatever healthy ways I can.

Today I believe in every person’s butterfly potential – and I ask you to do the same – because I know, without question, that if I could become a butterfly from where I was at my lowest point, anybody can!

Photo by Laurie Williams

Just like much of the world, I am shocked and saddened as I hear the news about Whitney Houston – dead at the age of 48.

I’ve always loved Whitney’s music – her voice was so amazing and until recent years, her onstage presence could make us forget all about the demons she battled privately. Not only did she fight an ongoing battle with mind-altering substance addiction, she also was in the spotlight several times as a result of domestic violence with her husband Bobby Brown. Despite her many gifts — such as her stunning beauty and enormous talent — her private life often seemed to be nothing to envy.

At the time of this writing, it has not yet been confirmed whether alcohol and/or drugs played a part in Whitney’s premature death. But those of us who followed her career are having trouble believing otherwise. We all know that she had several very public relapses, and that there were times when her performances suffered as a result.

Even with these struggles, Whitney’s repertoire includes many memorable award-winning hits such as “How Will I Know?” and “I Will Always Love You.” But my favourite Whitney Houston song has always been “The Greatest Love of All” – what a totally astonishing piece, both because of the richness of her voice and the lyrics she chose to sing.

In my opinion, the best part of that brilliant song goes like this:

Everybody searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone to fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be

So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I live as I believe.

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me.

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all.

When I first heard Whitney sing this song in 1986, I was still in the throes of active addiction — drinking, using prescribed medications such as Valium, Demerol, and codeine (for Crohn’s Disease), and smoking pot daily for many years. Although I was still a fairly high-functioning addict holding down a good job with a nice place to live and a car to drive, I was miserable. My life was going nowhere – all I wanted to do at that point was smoke dope in my apartment with the phone turned off and the curtains closed. I didn’t realize until the following year that I was an ‘addict’ – the whole idea of addiction was not on the radar then the way it is now. But I was very depressed, with little knowledge about how to change that or any hope that I actually could.

As I look back nearly 25 years later, I remember the bleakness of it all as if it was yesterday.

And then I heard that song – that powerful, beautiful, amazing song — and something shifted for me. Even though I still continued to use and drink for a while longer, I felt some spiritual stirrings returning – I was just beginning to re-awaken. I somehow knew that the only hope for me was to learn how to love myself, just like Whitney was singing.

Could I possibly love myself? Did I even deserve to love myself? How would that ever happen? There I was in my apartment with the drapes closed, nobody else in sight, stoned out of my mind – but somehow I knew this was what had to change in order for me to want to continue to live.

Thank you, Whitney.

The following year, in 1987, I became so depressed that I felt suicidal. I was scared that I might actually take my own life, and I reached out for help. One of the places I found that help was in the 12-Step program of Narcotics Anonymous. In my early recovery I attended those meetings every day for many months, sharing my thoughts and, more importantly, my feelings. I learned how to socialize with like-minded people by going for coffee with them before and after meetings. When things were really difficult for me, I would sit in those rooms and just cry – and people would hug me and tell me to keep coming back. It was an extraordinary experience.

If anyone had told me at that time that I’d ever have a quarter of a century clean and sober, I would have laughed in their faces. But here I am. And if anyone had told me that I would indeed find the greatest love of all inside of me – and that I would now be able to help others do the same – I would not have believed that either. My life is rich and full today, and I honour myself by taking the best care of myself that I can. I give back to the world in ways that are important to me. Most days, I am very happy to be me.

And I know, deep within me, that it all began with Whitney Houston’s incredible rendition of “The Greatest Love of All” – and I am forever grateful.

Rest in peace, Whitney – I will miss you.

I recently went to a talk given by Gabor Maté, a medical doctor, author and speaker, who spent many years working with hard-core addicts and alcoholics , as well as people with HIV/AIDS, in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside.  His talk, as always, was brilliant and inspirational – but there was one point he made that continues to resonate with me.

Dr. Maté explained that most people, when faced with the choice of either attachment or authenticity in their relationships, will go for attachment first, seeking recognition and validation from others instead of being able to give it to themselves. I personally think he’s right about that.

Simply put, what this means is that most of us, in most situations, will decide that it is far more important for others to like us than for us to do whatever it takes to like ourselves. In other words, for some, respect and acceptance from others trumps self-respect and self-acceptance pretty much all the time. In both my personal life and in my professional experience as a therapist, I have often seen this to be true — perhaps more times than I’d like to admit.

While I’ve come to recognize that my parents did the best they could with the wounds life gave them, I’m aware that I grew up with a self-important mother and an egoistic father who didn’t protect us from the harrowing effects of parental narcissism. In families like these, many healthy qualities are often lacking – and in my case respect, acceptance, validation, and that sense of  attachment were hard to come by. I never really felt like I fit in with my family of origin, try as I might. And because we moved around a lot – over and over, for no apparent reason – I found myself as the new kid on the block often, continually engaging in people-pleasing behaviours to covet even a small slice of the attachment I felt sure that everyone else had. Maybe everyone else was people-pleasing too – that thought never crossed my mind until recently.

I just assumed that everybody had a ‘place’, everyone belonged somewhere, to someone – everyone, it seemed, except for me.

That was indeed a lonely place to be.

It became the breeding ground for the devastating codependency I spent most of my life trying to hide – from myself and from the rest of the world — until the monstrous weight of it came crashing in on me.

Authenticity? What does that really mean and how does it differ from ‘attachment’?

Many years ago, a friend of mine told me that if I could truly like myself and enjoy my own company, I’d have the best friend I could ever want, 24-7. At the time, although I had a bit of an inkling about what she meant, I could see little hope of that ever being my reality.

Now, several years later, I’m happy to say that I’ve proven myself wrong. I’ve been doing my inner work for nearly 25 years — as a recovering drug addict with 24+ years clean and sober today, I’ve seen my share of ups and downs emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually in my life. Somewhere along the way, however, a major shift happened – I began to care more about how I was seeing myself and less about how others saw me. To this day, I believe that was a natural ripple-effect of having the willingness to go deep within myself, regardless of what I might find. I somehow — quite gradually — developed the ability to allow myself to be uncomfortable for stretches of time without having to medicate myself in any negative, addictive way. And I learned how to reach out to others for help when I felt stuck — what a gift that’s been!

Today I truly would rather sit at home and read a book or watch TV than be with people I have to do a dance for in order to be included. Although attachment still matters to me, of course – I’m human, and we are programmed to need that sense of belonging – I no longer have to betray and abandon myself in order to get it. I now have people in my life who love and cherish me just as I am — which is almost as wondrous a gift as being able to love and cherish myself. I like who I am today (most days!) even with my many imperfections, and I enjoy my own company.  Today I intersperse my alone-time with other people who also like themselves and don’t feel they have to be other than who they are in order to feel connected with me.

And in my work, I often see clients who are on the same difficult and amazing journey of finding themselves and learning to like what they see, even when it isn’t easy. I cheer them on when they begin to set boundaries for themselves, after having spent most of their lives acquiescing to other people – a dreary, fear-based way to live – because this means they are starting to like and respect themselves more. They begin to understand how freeing it is to be able to say to someone, “Yes, I care about your thoughts, feelings, and opinions — but right now I care about my own more – and this time I choose to put myself first.”

What a concept!

I believe Dr. Maté was correct when he said that most people choose attachment over authenticity. But I also believe that there comes a time for all of us who want to be holistically healthy to choose authenticity over attachment. Yes, it can be lonely at the beginning – but seriously, what could be lonelier than spending your life wishing and hoping and scrounging for acceptance from others, only to lose your own self? For me, life is a lot more fun today – and a whole lot easier.

Fun and ease – two clues that you’ve tuned-into the authentic, whole you and tuned-out the fearful, clinging little ‘false self’ seeking to attach itself for survival.

For me, authenticity trumps attachment any time!

5 Tips for Avoiding Holiday Stress and Overindulgence This Season

1) Lower your expectations – especially if you are a perfectionist.

Lower the bar of perfection you may have set for yourself, and see if you can’t enjoy the holidays as much – and perhaps even more — when you don’t try to live up to Martha Stewart standards. Just be yourself and do what feels healthy and good for you.

2) Be realistic in your holiday expectations.

The holidays can set us up for a fall. Everywhere in the media, in TV and radio ads, movies, and music, we are being given the message that ‘it’s the most wonderful time of the year’. But that’s just not realistic for many people. Difficult situations like illness, job loss, and relationship break-ups happen at this time of year, and even if things are ‘normal’ in your life, the body doesn’t know it’s a holiday. The days are shorter and darker, and yet we are often demanding that the body do more, eat more, drink more — and get less sleep. This is the opposite way animals in the natural world behave in winter and, for us humans, it’s a recipe for stress and sickness. Remember — the happiness and joy we are supposed to feel in this season won’t come through a credit card. It’s not about what we buy — it’s actually about what we choose to ‘buy into’, so be sure to make self-caring decisions for yourself.

3) Do less. It’s okay to take short cuts.

Try making a list of at least 3 things you can choose NOT to do this holiday season in order to give yourself the gift of some stillness, rest, and simplicity. Maybe you’ll be able to find 5 or 10 things to put on that list. One pair of friends I know give each other the gift of ‘one less obligation’ at Christmas. They have made a pact to not buy each other a gift or card in December, but instead they go out together for at least one dinner a month the rest of the year. This helps them feel less stressed emotionally and financially – and keeps them connected — they find they can truly enjoy and celebrate each other’s company doing it this way.

4) Have a plan — but accept that it might change.

You planned to get the latest, greatest Tickle-Me-Elmo/Cabbage Patch/Sponge Bob deely-bopper as the ‘big’ present for little Emily or Justin this year — but at the last minute, the store runs out. Is it really the end of the world? Maybe it’s a good lesson that there are lots of nice gifts out there – and a good reminder that this is not what the season is about anyway. One family I know give their son one gift and then take him to the store so he can choose another gift to give to a child whose family can’t afford presents.

5) Opt out of Holiday Madness.

Yes, it’s a crazy time of year — but so much of the madness is optional. You can enjoy the Christmas lights and the holiday displays at the grand stores and malls without feeling like you have to spend any money. Just enjoy the sights and feel grateful someone did all that work for your pleasure. You might choose to say ‘no’ to a couple of holiday parties, and go for a massage instead. Bundle up and walk around Lost Lagoon, Deer Lake or Pacific Spirit Park (or your favourite place to experience the wonders of nature) with a close friend or with family members. If you feel that you’re drinking, eating, smoking, gambling or spending too much, perhaps you can talk to a friend or counsellor about that.  Above all, remember to be gentle with yourself. This season can make us all crazy, but can also be a happy, peaceful time if we choose to practice healthy self-care and step out of the stress lane!

Several weeks ago, my brother sent me an article from the Financial Post — and my life changed in an instant.

My brother and I were born in the United States, but we left as teens. I have lived and worked in Canada for close to the last four decades, as a proud Canadian citizen.

The article talked about the fact that the U.S. is the only country in the world that taxes its citizens who are neither living in the U.S. nor working there. Even if American ex-pats are not earning an income there, the U.S. government is still able to tax them.

But it gets worse –- in its supreme arrogance, because our neighbor to the south is broke and in considerable debt, it is now bullying folks like me, by laying down the law saying that all of its citizens must pay U.S. taxes, regardless of the circumstances. And if any non-resident citizens choose to be ‘non-compliant’ and not file up to several years of back taxes, they could be punished by facing stiff fines of up to 25% of their entire financial worth, and maybe even go to jail. The jackbooted tone of the warning was clear. The IRS meant to scare –- and it worked.

After reading that article, I felt like a deer in the headlights.

I was frozen, scared, confused –- how could this be?

I grew up in the U.S. until I was 18, when I emigrated to Canada with my family. When we proudly became Canadian citizens in 1974, we were compelled to forfeit our American citizenship. I recall having some mixed feelings about that, as the U.S. was the country of my childhood. Later, when I was given the opportunity to take back my U.S. citizenship, I jumped at the chance –- after all, I asked myself, what could it hurt to be a citizen of the two countries that I loved?

I now have my answer to that question. It hurts a lot.

I have neither lived nor worked in the US since 1974, when I went back for only one year to spend some time with my father. For the past 38 years, living and working in Canada, I have gladly supported my country financially with my tax returns every year. Never once have I been ‘non-compliant.’

I am a person who felt fondly toward my country of origin. I have enjoyed going back to the States when I’ve had occasion to do so. I cared about who became the President of the United States — and what that would mean for Canada and the world at large — so I made a point of voting in the last election. Little did I know that all of this would come around to bite me on the butt.

Voting in the last presidential election, I suppose, technically prevents me from crying ‘taxation without representation’. But it’s unlikely that my ‘representative’, President Obama, is likely to heed the cries of outraged ex-pat constituents like myself, who live and work in, and have adopted, another country as their homeland.

So, really, where is my ‘representation’? I am angry and I am hurt, to put it mildly.

I hate the fact that I seem to have no say in this –- I am but a number in this complex cog, this blatant tax grab. I am so furious with the U.S. that I now want to renounce my citizenship. But guess what? There’s another Catch-22. In order to renounce my citizenship, I have to pay at least 6 years of back taxes.

It’s Orwellian.

Although I am but a number, I am one of close to a million Canadians who are facing this exact predicament. These are tax requirements so complex and labyrinthine that virtually no citizen can prepare them without paying a lawyer or tax advisor. Accountant fees alone will cost each of us, on average, $15,000 –- in addition to assessed back taxes.

Many of the Canadians affected, like myself, are either retired or close to retirement age, when we have only a fixed amount of money to live on — which only adds insult to injury. But because there are so many of us dealing with this brazenly unfair and crippling U.S. tax situation, we have a voice –- and our Canadian government (which works for us, which we often forget) needs to help us –- NOW.

The Globe and Mail reports that, ‘Ottawa has protested to the Obama administration that the law goes too far and may violate Canadian banking and privacy laws. But the U.S. appears determined to press on.’

It is unfair that tens of thousands of Canadian seniors are losing their hard-worked-for retirement income (earned in Canada) in their golden years. Ottawa will have to pick up the burden if their retirement nest egg no longer supports them for the years they have left to live, thanks to the Yankee tax collector.

I am not usually a political animal, and even when I have strong feelings, I rarely write about them and share them with the world. But this is different. This is outrageous.

If you –- or someone you know –- is facing this absurdly nasty situation, please let your thoughts and feeling be known. We need to find a way to band together and rally our elected officials to change the policy now in place that allows the U.S. to do this to Canadian citizens.

Canada always talks about America as our good neighbor to the south; our biggest trading partner and ally.

Well, America doesn’t feel like my ally right now.

It feels like the neighbourhood thug who just hit me over the head and stole my purse.